Short Funny Quotes
"I'm not young enough to know everything." J.M. Barrie
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"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!"
Yogi Berra
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"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either."
Dick Cavett
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"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice." Bill Cosby
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"The first half of our lives are ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children." Clarence Darrow
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"A lot of fellows nowadays have a BA, MD, or PhD. Unfortunately they don’t have a J-O-B." Fats Domino
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"He's got a photographic mind. Too bad it never developed." Leopold Fechtner
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"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house." Zsa Zsa Gabor
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"The human mind is like an umbrella - it functions best when open."
Walter Gropius
"Nothing is as hard to do gracefully as getting down off your high horse."
Frank Jones
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"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
John Lennon
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"I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep." Jim Loy
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"A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused." Shirley Maclaine
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"You don't know a woman till you've met her in court." Norman Mailer
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"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." Dean Martin
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"I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I have ever met!" Dwight L. Moody
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"Until I was 13, I thought my name was Shut Up." Joe Namath
Laughter is an instant vacation with free DVD
"Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished."
Leslie Nielsen
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"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to!"
Elvis Presley
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"I would rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it." Will Rogers
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"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always." Rita Rudner
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"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."
Jerry Seinfeld _________________________________________________________________
"Don't lose your head. It's the best part of your body." Jimmy Snyder
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"It's not that life is one darn thing after another. It's one darn thing over and over." Edna St. Vincent Millay
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"Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera!" James Stephens
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"The fault-finder will find faults even in paradise." Henry David Thoreau
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"If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog." Harry S. Truman
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"Humor makes all things tolerable."
Henry Ward Beecher
"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
Noelie Altito
Funny Birthday, Friendship & Retirement Quotes
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